Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Almost Like Summer

Today was a glorious, but almost hot day. It reached 89 or 90 degrees! But not that humid, disgusting summer 90, a spring version that was actually pretty wonderful. Skies blue and clear, the pollen issues of last month resolving somewhat, a very lovely day. Yesterday too. We ate outside yesterday, picnic style on the deck. Worked well, except that Sofie dropped her fork down between the decking and it is lost forever in the space below. Oh well, what is one fork?

This week is the "off" week from treatment and I feel good. Better than good, actually. I am not queasy, not too tired, and my blood levels post the last treatment a week ago did not sink too low. I am feeling lucky that the meds are doing their thing and working and that I am not a mess like I was the previous treatment. That was after the combination of the chemo drugs, so I am a tiny bit anxious about next week's treatment with that combo again, but one step at a time.

I went to the office today and more or less had a "normal" day, a meeting, lots of email and some writing. I don't feel up to speed there at all yet, but if I go in sometimes, it does help to reconnect me.

If all goes on schedule, I am halfway done with this treatment series and will complete it the last week of June. I don't really know if the side effects will be cumulative like last time. I hope not, but I just don't know. I guess I could ask that next clinic visit.

Next week they will do the CA-125 again, they do it the beginning of each "cycle" or two treatment period. I hope it has dropped again. I feel like the lesion area is less prominent, and it no longer hurts, so I take that as a good sign. But the lab values seem to dictate the direction of all treatment and the "prognosis" so I will keep my fingers crossed. As if that really helps.

Sofie had a sad afternoon today, her favorite Beanie Baby (Freckles the Leopard) was "taken by a big kid" and evidently buried in the sandbox. A search and rescue team tried to find her, but to no avail. Sofie and I went out there again when I picked her up, but it was still 89 degrees and I was in work clothes, sweating profusely. I finally gave up and took her home so I could get out of the work clothes, since I was so hot.

She is truly upset about this, cried herself to sleep. Nothing I could do would comfort her. I am making signs for school tomorrow, hopefully Freckles will turn up, a bit sandy, but none the worse for wear. Unless it rains tonight, which might happen.

Having your child be inconsolable is a pretty sad experience for a parent. I tried hugs, rubbing her belly (this helps her sleep, usually) and being reassuring, but I failed to help her feel better. I guess she needs to experience these sad feelings. Hopefully it will turn out fine tomorrow.

The temperatures are supposed to drop a lot by Thursday. It is still Spring, after all. I love this time of the year, when the trees are all full and lush and green and the days are pleasantly warm. I am happily back in slides and open toe shoes, showing off my illicit pedicure. I am not exactly supposed to be going for manicures and pedicures during chemo, but I have my standards, and I simply cannot give this up. I play safe, with my own sanitized implements, and take a certain amount of risk (for me, anyway) but to give them up would be detrimental to my mental health, so I continue to take that limited risk. And have nice toes. It's important to me.

I find myself in this weird space when I am feeling good. I "forget" about the cancer for a bit. And I feel guilty about not going to work, about all sorts of things. As if I could make the cancer actually leave my body or my life. But some days, it is nice to just "be" and not be the cancer patient or the sick person. So much of my day is focused on pills, meds, feeling OK, not feeling too tired, or napping when I do, etc. So good days, like today, are a blessing. But, being Jewish, one that causes a bit of push-pull kinds of feelings.

A week from Thursday is the benefit for me in SF. People have already been more than generous and I am overwhelmed. I intend to be quite frugal with the fund, using it for the specific purposes intended, and using it slowly, so that it will be there, for the future, as I need it. This cancer thing is likely not going away totally, even if this treatment round is successful. Like Elizabeth Edwards, this is going to be for the long haul. But if she can campaign in style, I should be able to do my life too, it is far less taxing than traveling all over the country and being with crowds of people on a regular basis. Not to mention having not one, but two small kids. (OK, and probably a nanny or two).

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