Monday, May 07, 2007

All Systems Go

I found myself anxious today, as I went to the lab. I felt great all last week, and I do today, but it is the numbers that decisions are made by. And I wanted the decision to be the one that said that I was fine for treatment. Plus the CA-125 was done too, and I am praying it is going down.

The white count is good, much higher than last week. Same with Red count and hemoglobin. CA-125 not back yet (more anxiety while waiting) but it will be. So I am a go for tomorrow. Teri, after giving me the good news, reminded me I would be "blasted" again tomorrow, with the combination of the two drugs...oh Joy. I know that I am getting a lot of toxic drugs, but I am hoping that this time, the combo won't put me out of comission for a week, like it did the last time. I hope the new drug works again.

So still a bit anxious, will be until this is done. But no transfusions are necessary tomorrow, so I theoretically should be out of there early afternoon. Good!

Everyone has been telling me that I look "great" and I have had pretty decent energy. Not bad for someone with cancer who is on pot in a pill pretty much 24/7. I don't even feel stoned. Not that I would know what that really feels like. I am resolved to deal with the munchies in a more healthy way than eating tostitos and chips at midnight.

Today I had lunch with Greg, formerly of the Central Development office, now in a new job with the Med Foundation. Just personal chat, nothing too work related, but I hope to establish (from my wish list of things to accomplish here) a relationship via his contacts with surgery department. I have always liked Greg and hope that he, his boss and her boss will agree to something totally "radical" and join forces openly to create a fund for surgery collections here. I won't go on with details, I know they are of interest only to me, but it is on the long ago created wish list for each of the schools. For Medicine, it is that plus a couple of other techniques to partner together and create a system for library support that has not been used anywhere in the country as far as I know. I just want to think (and ACT) outside the box, as they say.

I went to work today, and am just taking a quick break to blog a bit. It is a slow re-entry, getting myself both physically up to snuff and reconnecting emotionally to my work. What exactly will give me satisfaction these days? Getting a big donation for the Library surely would, but last night, as I figured out how to repair the toy cats scratched glass eyes, I found that my success (black sharpie followed by application of a clear coat of nail protector) gave me great satisfaction. Has it come to this? Am I truly getting to the state of stay at home Mom, where going to the park and fixing fish sticks for supper is enough?
Some days, yes. Mostly no. Yesterday, I met with someone who wants me to help her re-write her web content. I critiqued her text and her video (which will be part of the overall site content). It was as close to consulting again as I have come in a year plus and *it felt good*. Very good. I still miss that kind of creative work. I do.

When I get creative here, strategically or otherwise, it feels like a dream state, the process is slow, the prospects are lacking and I don't feel successful here yet, other than in creating relationships. All good, but that is not why they are paying me. I need to figure out how to make this work, work well and work soon.

Enough, I must give up this writing for a series of email notes to donors.

Which is, after all, why I am here today.

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