Friday, August 31, 2007

Having A Stacy and Clinton Moment

For those of you who don't know, Stacy and Clinton are the hosts of "What Not To Wear", a program my sister is addicted to and that I watch every so often, sometimes when I am feeling down about myself and my appearance, because the folks they feature often have much worse wardrobes and fashion "non-sense" than I do.

This week, I watched the program one time, when I was having trouble falling asleep. The rest of the week, I have been plagued by mirror moments, when I realize how far astray I have gotten in this world of fashion. I don't, I cannot, wear high heeled shoes anymore. I go for comfort over fashion most of the time. My hair is "chemo permed" and often looks a bit wild and unruly. It surprises me every morning about how it will look. It is in charge, I am not. It has been in the 90's until just a few days ago, and trying to dress in clothing for work in this heat is a feat unto itself. So this week, I often wore what has become my summer in NC uniform, of sorts: a skirt (patterned, floral even), a lightweight shell and a matching sweater sometimes (the library's temperature is often set on cryogenically preserve, and it is cold in here). I should simply stop looking in the mirror, I guess. Every time I peeked, intentionally or not, I was sort of horrified. The "girls" as S & C refer to them, were hardly perky. My belly won't change, it is just a soft mass of lumps these days, and I am trying hard to remember good posture, so it doesn't look any worse.

I do have a nice pedicure, that helps, but overall, summer is not being kind to me, in terms of how I look. Or something. I reminded myself that nobody was filming me (which they do on this show, secret cameras record all your fashion faux pas for two weeks, and then they force you to watch yourself).

Sigh, it all seems so trite, doesn't it? I have more important things to worry about, cancer and parenting and working and trying to stay alive. But a part of me, deep down, knows I am supposed to care at least a bit more. Maybe that is why I loved The Devil Wears Prada. That wonderful scene when Andi sort of snickers at the issue between the two belts and is given an acerbic lecture about who makes the fashion decisions for whom and why it is central to their universe (the fashionistas). But after all those years working around the impeccable folks from Macy's with Passport, some of it kind of got under my skin I guess.

I will likely let go of this in a day or three and go back to my central theme of clean, comfortable and able to move around! But just today, I am having my moment. I want to turn myself over to experts who can fix this all. But would it be sustainable?

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