Night Musings

I am doing much better this week, really. Darkness lifting, spirit coming back, although still tired. But what the heck am I doing up this late? We went for pizza dinner, it is too hot to even think about cooking, at least 104 here today. Honestly if I weren’t a parent, I would have eaten a peach and called it a night. But Sofie was starving, as she had camp, then her last summer tutoring session and so we joined Jamie at the Mellow Mushroom (which was hardly mellow) and had a great pizza dinner. Then headed home where she had a long bath, including a little play, then the dramatic blow drying of her hair, and one Magic School bus book, then we turn off the lights and we sing our special night song “have beautiful, colorful dreams”. We made that up a few years ago, but we sing it to each other most every night, a sweet tradition. She was asleep in a moment.

Then I had a bunch of paperwork to do, for her doctor visit tomorrow, that of course I had procrastinated until the day before and then I had to “check” email and here I am, 1.5 hours later, still on it.

Mario was just here for a brief visit, in this crazy heat. We ate out, pretty much all the time. But how else to introduce him to happening Durham? Or maybe not so happening, but I did take him to Mama Dips for breakfast the day before he left and to my very favorite cafe, Mad Hatter, today before going to the airport. Mario mentioned that he had gotten a sense from that "dark" blog of a few entries ago that this might be his last visit. Puleeeeeze. I am hardly wasting away. Before I go all Tammy Faye on you all, believe me, if there is a significant weight loss from this cancer, there will be blog or two about it. With photos. I have been trying to lose weight my whole life, if it happens, believe me, I will share! Right now, the steroids and my still fine appetite have me not losing much of anything.

But when I do write about those scary places, or the fears I have, it is not to worry all of you, just to check in with where I am that moment. It usually passes after a while. Life has a way of making you stay present or at least that happens to me. If I go to work, I engage more. If I spend time with Sofie in her little world, how can I not be there for her? Even when I am tired and sometimes grouchy. She and I have been talking more about the treatments, how they make me feel or act. She doesn't like it when I am tired and become short with her and I am not loving this period of her being so obstinate about virtually everything. We are discussing it and trying to find other ways to be with each other. And I find myself saying things like "Because I am the mom, that's why". These things just fly out of my mouth sometimes.

At dinner we had a pretty funny discussion of the fact that I say idiot and stupid about other drivers and Sofie totally busted me on that. Those are two words that are on the "bad" list and we are not supposed to use them. Except I have given her (and me) permission to use idiot when talking about the President. What other word works as well, I ask you? I sometimes explain him by saying that well, he maybe isn't a terrible person, he just makes bad choices. But idiot really does it justice, I think. So my second grader will probably use that in school. I dread to think what they talk about at their little lunch room tables sometimes. I know that is where she learned to make farting noises with her arms, which she thinks are hilarious. I am less amused, but her intensity about doing it is funny.

Digression of Note: I haven't blogged about her seventh birthday, but Jamie did on her blog, you can access that by clicking on the left side of my blog to get to hers. Cute photo of the kid awaits. The whole birthday celebration madness was fun but always makes me wonder, what the heck will we do next year?

But we get through it all, somehow.

I had thought about a before school happens visit to the Bay Area, but with the new treatment schedule that would not have given me even a week, and that is too brief for two people to fly across country. And so, the week after next, I will be a stay at home mom on scorching August days, coming up with creative ways to entertain my kid. I don't have it in me to do that full time, I don't think. But we will have fun, heat or not. Pool, Museum of Life and Science, Mini golf, there is stuff to do.

Sofie is such a pistol. Mouthy, pushing her independence, always trying to get things her way. She says things like “Debra, you don’t understand what I was doing, you never understand me”. I expected this, but not for another oh, six years. She is only seven!!! But wants to be her own girl. A good thing, I suppose, but she is a tough one. We are talking about it. Above all else, I want her to know how much she is loved. Always and forever.

And now, very late, to bed. Good night.