Damn Those Numbers

So today was treatment number two. The bloodwork was done last Friday. I got to clinic (same old, same old). It pisses me off that when I get weighed in, the weight has not changed in a month, even though I am eating half of what I ate before I felt so sick....how on earth can I have cancer and still manage not to lose weight? It is hopeless.

So the numbers. The cancer marker (CA 125) was up. Way up, to 472 from 165 on January 3rd. Not good. They (doctor and nurse) explained that sometimes it gets worse before we see improvement. Evidently, Dr. Valea went to one of his gyne-oncologists meetings last week and kind of presented my case. I was supposed to be fine, out of the woods, not having all this crappy stuff happening. And treatment was supposed to have worked. I seem to be very treatment resistant. Nothing I can personally control or change, but when I think about it, I have always been kind of drug resistant.

I need 4 Advil instead of the usual two. When I was pregnant from the in-vitro and it was determined to be a "bad pregnancy", they gave me Methotrexate (also used for cancer treatments) to terminate the pregnancy. It did not work. The next week, they repeated the treatment and when I returned the following week, the fetus was alive and well, and they had to surgically terminate that pregnancy. Hmmmmm, maybe I just don't respond to the big drugs.

This is not good news. I am trying to remain optimistic, but I am scared. If the Doxil doesn't work, they might try an aggressive combination of drugs. My body is already not feeling so happy about all the stuff that is happening. I really hope the Doxil starts to work. But it is a time and waiting game.

Meanwhile, I hear tell that the West Coast is a-buzz with planning for a benefit for me and all sorts of other things. It is odd to feel so out of control with this part of my life, it really is. I was planning to pick up a birthday cake for Friday so friends could gather in my home for a little bit of celebrating, but I was instructed by Ms. Laribee not to do it, that a cake was "being provided". Maybe she is flying Elizabeth Faulkner to Durham to create something for me, now that would be a present!!!!

So I am not supposed to be typing (too much friction post treatment) and I will make this brief. Laurie and Maya have taken Sofie out to dinner at Whole Foods and will be bringing something back for me. I don't have much appetite at night usually anyways. It is delightful to have them here, they are basically taking over Sofie care and she is so enamoured of Maya that she is allowing it to happen without a lot of protest! It is very cute, actually.

But I know that she (Sofie) told Jamie that she did not think I was going to get better. That is so sad. I don't know why she is thinking that or what I can do to be both realistic and also not scare her. I don't know if I will die sooner or not. I hope not. I am trying to fight, to remain optimistic, to "choose life" and meditate on that daily. But I am also aware that I am not controlling this either. The cancer is powerful. I don't want it to be too powerful, I want to be able to fight back and make it back off. But right now, I barely even have the energy for that. I am hoping to have some Reiki treatments soon, perhaps that will help.

The e-mails and cards I have been receiving from dear friends have warmed my heart and given me a lot of hope. Keep 'em coming, please.

Much love,

Debra