Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Not Knowing

So after the bliss of several treatment free weeks, and a vacation, I feel physically pretty great. The only problem has been this persistent pain in my left hip area, for about three or so weeks. At first I thought it was from sleeping "funny" or perhaps from the massage I had before I left for vacation, but it would not improve. It made going up and down stairs on the ship hard to do. Fortunately there were elevators, but going one floor up or down made me feel weird.

Today I went to the Oncology Clinic and was scheduled for chemo, as per usual. I had gotten my bloodwork results yesterday, the CA-125 was up 8 points, but that was nothing to worry about they said, I had been off treatment for nearly a month, due to the low white count last time and the trip.

I mentioned to the new fellow (a very young looking woman, Dr. Jewelle) that I had this hip pain. She stepped out of the room after her exam of me and was gone a long time, talking to the other doctors (my doc was out of town, but Dr. Secord was there for this appointment). I was reading and she popped her head in to let me know they would be back soon.

After another 15 minutes or so, I started to worry a bit. And just like that, the whole team arrived. They were concerned too, and had already cancelled the treatment. I have a CT scan this evening to see if the lesion (which feels larger to my touch and theirs) is truly growing and to see if there is anything in the hip area.

It is not like my brain has not already gone there, is the cancer in the bone now? Is is not working even if the numbers have been going down nicely.

I have to wait and the waiting is so hard. I don't know what the next steps will be. They discussed new chemo regimens, etc. Oh joy, another, which will be the fourth for me. I have to get used to all new side effects yet again. But bottom line, I am not ready to give in or give up to this. I don't know why it seems to be taking the direction it is, but I am not ready!!!

I want to scream this from a mountaintop. I have sort of been working with a seven year perspective, enough time to get Sofie through primary school, into middle school, etc. So I will await the results of all of this and pray that they can "manage" this too. My body does not seem to be cooperating very well.

We will be going to supper at Whole Foods this pm, I am not in the mood to cook. Or eat for that matter. But Sofie will be starving, she started Camp Riverlea yesterday, this is the camp that she loved last year and the one that makes her sooooo tired.

I will post more, as soon as I know more. Keep me in your thoughts.

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