Cancer Sucks

I just heard back from Teri, who kind of read me the radiology report from last night's CT scan. The "good news" is that it (the cancer) doesn't appear to be in the left hip, so not the cause of the pain I have been having. Meaning it is not in the bones. Which of course, is very good news.

The less good news but the news I kind of suspected for the past month or so is that the tumor is growing on the liver, there appears to be one more (teeny) lesion there and there is more "activity" in the peritoneal cavity.

They are going to likely put me on another (this is the fourth) kind of chemo, one called Topotecan or Hycamtin, if you desire to Google it. It is for those of us in the unique place of having failed original and secondary treatment options. Yep, that is me, someone for whom failure is not a pretty or acceptable word, failing all over the place. It was daunting to read the link. Anyway, it clearly states that the goal of treatment is not remission (or cure, that went out the window a while ago), but rather to slow progression of the disease. Slow it a lot, I hope, I have a seven year plan and this is only year one of that.

The other day, I was trying to recall all five stages of Kubler-Ross stages of death and dying. I got to four and could not conjure up the fifth one (but I Googled that today). It is especially odd for me, as I did my graduate work on that topic! But that was centuries ago. I haven't cried yet, I want to but the tears won't come. I am more annoyed. But this set of feelings also makes me want to purge out stuff again, so perhaps I can make a slight dent in the mess in my office. Who knows?

I am torn about going to work, my brain is just not with me, but I will try this tomorrow, I guess. For half a day perhaps? I just don't know. I feel like I am pretty checked out of other things in the world right now. I want to see movies that make me laugh (but recent Netflix choices are Letters from Iwo Jima and Flags of Our Fathers, not exactly hysterically funny stuff). Perhaps I should sneak out on opening day and go see Hairspray. Yeah, that might be exactly the ticket . I think it opens tomorrow or Friday.

Sofie will be ready for pick up in less than one hour, so I have to sign off now. I am now rescheduled for chemo the next three weeks (this new one is three on and one off, three on and one off). The side effects "might" include all the usual suspects plus thinning or loss of hair. Now the dilemma, do I cancel my haircut appointment for next week if I am about to lose my hair anyway? Doesn't seem pragmatic to spend $50.00 on haircut for no reason! Probably I will. But will wait a day for that!

Yep, cancer does suck. Just when I am in a rhythm about treatments, as I was in recently, all hell breaks loose. And once again, the cancer is in charge and I am just an audience member.