Depleted

Yesterday, after waking up and having not one but two bouts of vomiting (without even feeling nauseous), I found myself sitting on my bed about 11 AM, feeling like I was being drained of energy, overwhelmed by this damn cold and all its dripping,coughing and congestion. I tried eating earlier, but to no avail and was having trouble even drinking enough water.

For the first time, I started to wonder if this is what dying feels like; the life force simply leaving your body, leaving you feeling almost unable to move. I got pretty sad, I am so not ready for this. And then I remembered that most likely the cold was dehydrating me so I called the doctors to arrange to come in for a transfusion of fluids, to kind of pump me up again.

I drove myself there, although I was already a bit lightheaded and shaky. They have a little area in radiation oncology just for this purpose, so I guess I am not alone in needing more than just the daily zap of the machine. Within the hour, I was hooked up to the IV pump and fluids were slowly dripping into me. The whole process took over two and a half hours, and I slept through all of it. They also did more blood work (hey, they had access to my vein, how could they resist?). When I was done, they took me over for treatment and then told me that my blood levels were down really low again (accounting for the extra fatigue) and that a blood transfusion was in order. So that is where I am heading this AM, after taking Sofie to school.

Last night, Betty P came over again and took over the feeding, spelling word practice and bathing of Ms. Sofie. Sofie sounded really happy, so that was a good thing. Better to have someone full of life and energy doing these things than a depleted mom who is grumpy.

Sofie's therapist continues to tell us that she is OK, even though I wonder about that. She has expressed to me her frustration that I am in bed too much (and she is right, these days, I get into bed about 5:30 or 6 PM and really don't come out much until morning). I am hopeful that once the cold moves out of my body, which I hope is soon, that I can at least get a bit of zing back and be able to make dinner and eat it with her.

Feeling depleted is just depressing. Sure I can take a pill for that too, but I know what I am feeling and experiencing. And I am getting scared. I don't want the next bunch of months to be like this. I want to experience fun again. And enjoy eating. Ensure doesn't appeal at all, and for the short haul, I may have to do it, but I am not going to like it.

Why is it that they haven't figured out yet how to cure the common cold? Surely if they are making all these strides in cancer and other diseases, the head cold could be managed better?