Waiting Game

I am getting ready this morning to go to work, I have not been since Friday. I haven't felt well since the weekend and only started to yesterday afternoon, more or less. It is all relative.

I had another CT scan (chest, abdomen and pelvis) on Monday afternoon. And I haven't heard about the results yet. I am waiting, but not really wondering. I feel like I already know. The question will be what to do next.

If the chemo is not working, and the tumors are growing anyway, do I stop the chemo and at least not have to deal with the side effects of that anymore? Not that they are so terrible: some nausea, hair thinning (OK, that is not so great) and fatigue. Same old same old. But does stopping mean giving in or giving up? It is so much more of a psychological question than merely one of treatment.

Sofie wants me to be "done" with treatment, but she thinks that this will mean I am getting better. It is going to be very hard to tell her (if treatment does stop) that this doesn't mean that the cancer is gone. I want to put that conversation off for a while.

I wish I were done with work since I feel kind of 50/50 crappy or not most days. I find just getting ready for work tires me out!!! Today, however, I have several meetings and I have to make this happen. But all I really want is to sleep more.

What a lame excuse for a life. Perhaps if I stopped the Topetecan, the fatigue would not be so pronounced, at least for a while. Things to ponder, while I wait, wait, wait for the CT results.

One good thing: The Coumadin seems to be getting regulated. I had an appointment at the coagulation clinic yesterday and the "levels" are just exactly where they should be. That was good news, if they still are in two weeks, then I guess they will have figured out the magic combination of dosages and I will be OK on that front for a while. You take the blessings where you find them.

OK, enough procrastination, I am off to get a quick shower and get dressed for a real day at work.