Thursday, September 27, 2007

Therapy at Work?

So, this week I told some of my colleagues that I had a plan for transitioning to disability. It was hard to talk about and ironic, also, because this week, I actually felt better once I was here, working away, than I had previously. Especially yesterday, I felt pretty crappy coming into work, but then got fully engaged in a project I am working on with my colleague Susan, and by the end of the time I had planned to stay (about 3 PM) I did not want to stop, and stayed another hour and a half.

Sometimes, I just have to let it flow. It has been both a relief to start making an exit plan and also very sad. I had planned to retire here, at Carolina, at this library most likely but not for a long time (11 more years). So this early exit is not without sadness.

I have about seven or so work weeks left, then it will be less scheduled and more random, as I use up the share leave and then go on the more limited "short term" disability. I am also going to apply for Social Security disability as well, which evidently I can collect at the same time. Who knew? So I should be more or less OK, financially except I have to pay the full cost of my medical insurance (right now that is me and also Sofie) which will be well over $500 a month. I don't qualify for alternate options since I don't have five years of service here. Bummer.

But at least I have health insurance. Which is a blessing when your health care is over $20,000 per month (with those three weeks of chemo per month, not to mention the acupuncture, the medications, all of it).

So I am trying hard to process it all, work on the multiple legal paperwork I have to complete and overall, keep my attitude as positive as I am able to do.

Not always easy, but I am trying. I know Sofie is also reacting to so much of what is happening to me, in her own way. And I want to be there for her, as much as I am able.

So for now, I will keep it together here, do what I can do and accomplish what I can, then move on to the next chapter. I want to stay attached to the Library for as long as I can, I feel so connected to this place now and so grateful as well, for the incredible way they have been dealing with me.

Gratitude is my new attitude. I like the ring to that.

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