Saturday, December 01, 2007

Fear Factor

The fatigue factor has become the center force of my so-called life. I only want to sleep. I literally cannot hold my head up after 5 PM most evenings.

If this is going to resolve in three to four weeks, (post radiation, which was over the 20th), then I guess I can manage it. Somehow. But I am so fearful that this is *it* and it won't improve. I cannot live like this. I have nothing, no energy, no appetite, no interest in things. This cannot be it. And it is only December. I had plans for the upcoming year, nothing fancy, mind you, but plans. And I want more time, not just time in bed, but time to visit with friends, write letters to Sofie for when she is 16 or 21 or graduating from college. Time.

My dear friend Susan has been visiting from CA the past few days, waiting on me hand and foot. And doing something that I had not realized how profoundly I was missing it: Offering touch. An arm to hold on to, a shoulder to cry on, a pat on the back (or two) and that sort of thing.

Touch is an amazing thing. It can convey love, lust, comfort, tenderness, anger, all sorts of things. But touch is critical to being human, isn't it? I miss it. Without a partner, I am of course, not expecting "that" sort of touch. And frankly, not sure I would welcome that in any case. But tenderness, comfort, that sort of non sexual touching, is so important, and has truly been missing in my life.

Massage helps in a way. It offers skin to skin contact, in a soothing way that relaxes and comforts. But it isn't the same thing as what Susan has been offering for the past couple of days. I will sure miss her when she is gone!

Jamie is outside, putting up some lights on our house. As some of you might remember, I relented last year when Sofie really wanted Christmas lights. And I lived through that, so this year, it was simply a given that the lights would go back up. And I have found a place of comfort with this. I know deep in my soul that I am a Jew, but Sofie is not and it is OK for her to delight in Christmas. And Jamie will be her parent for a good part of her childhood and growing up, so it should be something they can share and delight in together. It is all about creating celebration, anyway.

So back to the fear factor. I find myself wondering as I am in bed, is this "it"??? Is it going to be like this until I die? Weak, unable to do for myself, all that? The blood transfusions I had yesterday didn't perk me up as they have in the past. Is that because I am too far gone?? Or is this simply the post radiation fatigue combined with the tail end of a four week cold? The snot tells me the cold is still with me. So what is it? I might have to wait it out a bit to find out. Stay tuned.

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